So I got a phone call from an old high school friend. Let’s call him Bob. I was really excited to hear from him since it has been about 5 years since we last talked. The conversation started out casual and light, but then it took a turn for the worse. Bob told me he wanted to talk about my past actions in high school. He said he’s been thinking about me and he’s gotten angry at me for the way I behaved when we were 15/16 years old. I was like Huh? You want to talk about stuff that happened fifteen years ago when we were young idiots thinking we knew everything about the world. So obviously this took me by surprise because we had stayed friends while we were in college and he even went to my wedding 6 years ago. I had no idea he has been brewing resentment for the last decade.
During our conversation, he brought up detailed events. We were really close in HS. I considered him to be one of my best friends. Well he developed feelings for me and he wanted us to be boyfriend/girlfriend. And I didn’t want to but I gave it a shot for two weeks. I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t make the commitment because I just didn’t see him like that. He was more of a brother in my eyes. Even though we stayed close, he was pretty hurt by me. Dude, I was a bit oblivious to that fact because he didn’t really talk to me about it.
I would have made a horrible girlfriend because I was pretty fcked up during these years. This was before I knew I was bipolar. I was a rollar coaster of emotions. I hated myself. I was insecure. I was so depressed and these episodes would last for weeks. Then I would have manic times where I was the life of the party. I will be the first to say that I was a bit crazy. I had no self-awareness and didn’t really understand why I acted out so many times.
I do know that sometimes I was a crappy friend to Bob because I would get jealous if he got close to other girls. I didn’t want him as a boyfriend but I didn’t want him to like anyone else. Yes this is fcked up but I was fifteen years old. I barely had boobs yet. I wasn’t mature at all. Anyways, so Bob has been explaining to me that I was controlling over him and he wasn’t able to see other girls. He told me that he’s pissed because I was dominant over him and that he did whatever I said. And now he’s super duper angry with me and wants me to explain why I was such a b&tch.
I guess I do owe him an explanation but I can barely remember what happened. Over the last fifteen years, I’ve lived in four major cities and had all sorts of different jobs and developed friendships with all sorts of people. I got married. I went back to school to get an art degree. Dude, I can barely remember last weeks events. So I promised that I would call him back on Wednesday because he asked me to think about all the horrible things I did to him. Ouch! Of course I didn’t mean to be a poop head. And believe me I had paid ten-fold in bad karma for my actions in HS. Now I consider myself mature and a nice person. But I don’t know if he’ll ever forgive me. I was a different person back then and I can’t change what happened.
So I’ll let you know how things work out on Wednesday.
